Friday, March 13, 2009

Today was an emotionally trying day. Our dad clearly had the weight of the world on his mind and heart. He appeared incredibly contemplative and sad, especially for the first part of the day. The physical pain from surgery and its emotional toll had begun to set in. The demands from the doctors were intense and challenging, and the expectations for his traumatized body, too much. Our dad expressed he felt exhausted from the night and complained he had not slept. The combination of the physical pain from the incision and the necessary interruptions from hospital staff throughout the night left him seemingly daunted and depressed.

Earlier in the morning, our dad had a chest Xray. Shortly after we arrived, Dr. Krishnan came in to talk to him about the findings from the chest Xray and stated he was not happy about how the Xray looked. Dr. Krishnan and the Pulmonary doctor decided to order a Broncoscopy to take place tomorrow, where a scope runs through the throat to the lung so the lung can be viewed from the inside-out. This procedure will allow the doctors to detemine what is happening with the secretions in the lower left lobe and how to deal with them. For the day, the doctors want our dad to work harder at breathing deeply, to exercise his lungs by forcing his air into his Incentives Spirometer, and to try coughing to loosen the secretions in his lungs. In addition, he must sit for extended periods of time and walk the corridor 4x today. Dr. Krishnan explained that the lower left lobe looked hazy, which indicated his breathing was not deep enough, and the secretions were building in his lower lobe. An excess of secretions could lead to problems that we would like to avoid. Dr. Krishnan wants to see his lungs expanding and moving air better.

After Dr. Krishnan left, our dad just wanted to get some sleep. We--our mom, Carmelo, Michelle, Dominic and I--let him be alone for the next two hours, hoping he would sleep. During that time, his sister Mary Grace arrived and visited with us, and later, him. At some point, I went in to check on him. When I asked him how he was holding up, he so vulnerably stated, "not good." I asked him if he was in more pain. He said no. When I asked him again to tell me what was happening, he said that he was upset that "My chest Xray was bad. Now they have to do something else to me tomorrow." He said that he was scared and upset and in pain. It hurt so much to breathe deeply. He was so tired.

I knew he felt so scared to go through another procedure--like he was failing in some way--that he had disappointed the doctors, us, even himself. I could see the tears in his eyes as he struggled even to tell me how he was feeling. This was agonizing. We had been telling him how well he was doing, how amazing he is, how successful the surgery was; but he hears what is now wrong.

We begin to encourage him more. This is only Day 1 Post Surgery. He is doing so well. This procedure will help the doctors understand how to help him more. We know he is upset. We know he is confused. We cannot even imagine the pain he is in. We will not let him give up. We will be with him every step of the way. We are so proud of him.

He had more visitors throughout the day: his bosses, Louis Black and Dave Lawrence, and his nephew, Tom, and his wife, Milta. He sincerely appreciates the outpouring of support from everyone. It is so clear to us that our dad's spirits are visibly lifted when he sees or hears something from our family or friends. It undoubtedly results in a marked improvement in his attitude, outlook, and spirit. During one particularly poignant moment with our mom, Tony and I tonight, we asked him if he felt like talking about anything that was on his mind. He sat quietly for a moment, looked up at us, and steadfastedly stated, "I feel like I want to, that I am going to, beat this thing."

Dr. Krishnan returns to the room late in the day to share preliminary pathology findings. The pathology from the rib area is not yet complete, though we know the tumor was pushing on the ribs that were removed. But the lymph node pathology comes back negative for metastasis. I think our dad took his deepest breath of the day from this relieving, wonderful, delightful news.

We now continue to be grateful toward and reach out to our loved ones for their generous outpouring of support and love. We hope our dad may sleep soundly tonight. And we pray...